Monday, November 21, 2011

Are you happy?

The title of this post is a question that I have been asked TWICE this week now.  So it seems as if the heavens above are compelling me to 1) ask myself this question and REALLY think hard about it; and 2) write about it so that I can share my thoughts/feelings with others who may benefit from this post.

A masters student asked me today, as I was advising her about the journey of becoming an academic (she is interested in doing a doctorate), whether I am happy that I have chosen the academic job route.  It's a tough question, though, because on the one hand, I do absolutely love my work.  So much so that it's a little bit of an addiction.  In fact, my late advisor said it well: "Jason, being an academic means that you'll always have a mistress.  You have your wife ... but she'll always be jealous of your work and all the time that you'll spend with it instead of with her."  Being an academic is, in many ways, a completely selfish act.  I seek knowledge because I want to know more (I'm just so darn curious!).  I spend countless hours toiling over things that other people would consider minutiae (but it's NOT minutiae ... I'm building knowledge here, for goodness sakes ... pushing the frontiers of what we know!).  And I do all of this, at least for me as an emerging scholar, because I find it intensely interesting and, quite frankly, because I want to be employable at a top-notch institution.  So I do spend lots of time trying to get published ... trying to think of really awesome ideas that can get funded by people with deep pockets ... the sort of stuff that takes absurd amounts of time ... time that could have been spent with my family, had I not been so addicted to my work (see post entitled "Debt").

So yes, I'm happy that I chose this route because it fulfills my career aspirations, and because the job just really suits my dispositions well.  But ...

It also means that spending those countless hours working my tail off really puts a strain on the other parts of my life.  I'll be frank here.  The academic life is not family-friendly.  I am constantly being pulled back to my laptop because I'm always thinking, "I need to get _____ paper out for publication ..." or "I have to meet with _______ and discuss how to write our NSF grant," or more commonly (at least in my immediate future), "I have to GRADE PAPERS!!!"  I do see a small number of people who have families and seem to be able to handle it quite well.  But, they ARE the minority for sure.  In other words, I have yet to find a way to balance my work life with my family life so that the one (work) does not consume the other.  At this point in my life, Amy and the kids are most definitely getting consumed by my work.  As a postdoc, finances are TIGHT, especially with 2 kids.  So we are a family of 2 working professionals who are scraping by (financially) to make ends meet.  That's a big cause of unhappiness.  Also, at the end of the day, Amy and I are so strung out from work that we barely have time or energy to even spend quality time together.  That's also a cause of unhappiness.  Yet, it's what I've chosen.  So I own it ... all the happiness AND the unhappiness that comes with the choice.  

As an academic, it really helps if you have a spouse who borders saintliness.  Amy is my personal hero.  And ultimately, whatever I "achieve" in my academic career won't mean a thing unless that work can contribute to and support other people in the same way that Amy has contributed to and supported my own happiness.  And for that, I defer to St. Bernard of Clairvau:


There are those who seek knowledge for the sake of knowing; that is curiosity.
There are those who seek knowledge to be known by others; that is vanity.
There are those who seek knowledge in order to serve; that is love.


I doubt that I can say in earnest that I am really happy that I've chosen this route unless I can say that I have sought knowledge in order to serve.  Unfortunately, my perception of how things are in my field is that, as a junior researcher, you simply do not have any room to do such things ... yet. 

3 comments:

  1. Greeting Jason. A very thoughtful and honest blog. I too find it challenging to balance my work and home life. When I was at Parkview things were so easy. I guess some would say that I had it made; I finally had a deluxe classroom, one prep, etc. But that was unfulfilling and boring. So I chose a STEM charter where I have never worked harder and I love it. I know I could find ways to minimize grading but I'm afraid it would reduce the assessment's authenticity. I could reteach lessons from last year but they won't be specific to the unique group of students that I have this year. It's just not in me to do something half way.
    Anyway, I think that the sacrifices you make today will indeed pay huge dividends for you and your family. In addition, the tremendous service that you give to society will make significant contribution in progressing the field of education.

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  2. Wow, Jason.

    Thank you SO much for sharing this post here and at my blog as well. I thought it was a TOTALLY appropriate comment for that post.

    What's saddening me a bit is how often I must be to myself. I am IMMENSELY happy with what I'm doing when I'm alone, I guess I just have this fear that it's coming across as selfish, anti-social, anti-family, etc., etc.

    I have to be alone A LOT of the time in order to think. And I love that "alone" world with all the major idea connecting that I get to do. I find hardly ANYTHING to be "funner."

    And that worries me a bit: I'm listening to Miguel Ruiz's book "The Voice of Knowledge," and therein he talks about how he has gone from basically "worshipping" knowledge to simply using it to communicate. At all other times, he's living and experiencing and being (not processing knowledge). He sets these up as opposites, in a way.

    But things are a little different for the researcher, I imagine (I guess?!??). While we don't need to WORSHIP knowledge, it definitely cannot be JUST about communication. Ultimately it is, but we work with it. It's living, for us, you know? It's transformative of practice.

    However, when I realize that 1.5 hours have gone by and I still haven't reached out to connect with ______ (whoever was expecting me: my spouse, Mom, nieces and nephews, SELF), I sometimes ask myself, "Why am I doing this right now? Why is it ME that's doing this? Should I be doing this right NOW (at this stage in life)?"

    I usually just think about the M.Ed.'s I want to support as their professor someday, and I smile and begin the amends-making process ("So sorry! Be right there! Time just got away . . .") But I still feel a twinge of . . . unbalance.

    That's why I REALLY like the quote you shared: "There are those who seek knowledge for the sake of knowing; that is curiosity.
    There are those who seek knowledge to be known by others; that is vanity.
    There are those who seek knowledge in order to serve; that is love."

    The quote is providing clarity, Jason! The curiosity is keeping me going . . . naturally. The service is accelerating my heartbeat: The idea of one's work being MEANINGFUL for teachers and students who are in the trenches giving their hearts out -- Does it get any better? Not for me! And then regarding to desire "to be known by others": Well, as a fledgling blossoming researcher, I've got to attend to this a little bit. I can't pretend that it's not important that eventually my answer to the question "Are you published" be "Oh, why, yes." It shows that I have expertise, and THEY need to see evidence of that. But at least I can put it in perspective and rank it as THIRD--necessary but not the driving force.

    Thank you for sharing, Jason. Your honesty and transparency is very caring and thought-provoking, and we appreciate it!!!

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